I’ve been afraid to say this out loud, but here goes:
My kids hate church.
They say it’s not for them. And they’re right, it’s not.
You see, two of my four children are introverts. Crowds drain them. They process internally. They hate noise.
But we attend an evangelical megachurch, and the controlling equation of children’s ministry, from age 4 on up, is Big + Loud = Fun. But my kids aren’t keen on big, and they don’t do loud. Children’s church isn’t fun for them; it’s terrifying.
So they think church is not for them. And they’re right: this children’s ministry is heaven for extroverts, but it was not designed for kids like mine.
I am terrified they will think Jesus is not for them either.
But this isn’t just about my kids. Church isn’t for me, either, these days, because if they can’t go to church, then I can’t go to church.
My church values honesty, authenticity, transparency. The sermons are practical, addressing issues the congregation is dealing with.
Which means my kids can’t tag along to Big Church, unless I want to answer questions like, “Mom, what does ‘pornography’ mean?” after Sunday service.
This is THE issue of faith in our house right now.
I’ve been attending church when my kids can go play at their grandparents’ during service. They’re happy, and I’m happy to get to worship with other believers.
We teach them about God at home, but they don’t go to corporate worship right now. I hate that.
But I can’t fault them for objecting. They’re not wrong: church isn’t for them.
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I’m just back from Blissdom and attended Jeff Goins’s session on how to fall back in love with writing. He challenged us to write something dangerous and hit “publish.” This is my submission.
We are at the church we attend now for the kids. And strangely it’s worked out that it’s for us, too. It’s just how I was raised and I guess it’s really important to me right now. But for a long time we’ve always had this awkward fit wherever we’ve gone. I hope you can get in a situation you love with your whole family together.
Steph
Thanks, Steph!
It’s great that you recognize that it’s the introversion (not a fault at all) instead of making them feel like something is wrong with them for not wanting to go. For the record, the idea of the extrovert “ideal” in child rearing, schooling and in kids’ activities just drives me bonkers.
I’m worried about this for my own kids. Thanks for sharing.
Hmmm. This is interesting. We take our kids to church from infancy. Sometimes they hear words I wonder if they will ask about, but so far they have not caught us off guard. Maybe it is just the nature of the Mass. If you wanted to take them, would they be welcomed? I mean, I know sometimes the subjects might be difficult, so maybe not, but maybe sometimes? Gosh, I hope you find some peace in this area.
It was a real pleasure meeting you at Blissdom.
We’ve attended Mass fairly regularly with the other grandparents, and it’s a whole different world. My kids may not love being there, but they do fine and the environment is pretty welcoming and not overwhelming to them. The subject matter of the homilies has been a lot tamer, too, and I’m more comfortable with that for my kids.
I’m so glad I got to meet you at Blissdom, too!
Oh Anne, this is truly very insightful and honestly beautiful. How lucky your children are to have a mother who recognizes and listens where they are coming from. They will remember that always.
I will pray for the overall situation! Things like this have a way of working out eventually
Our oldest hates to go to church. Every Sunday morning, while we are getting ready, he’ll ask “where are we going?”, and my husband and I always avoid the question because we know the reaction. He’s an introvert too, and a homebody. He really, really just likes to be at home…with us. It’s a struggle almost every week. Either one of us ends up in his class with him, or he has to sit through the big service with us. Neither is ideal (obviously), and we often ask ourselves why we even bother.
I think it’s perfectly okay that church isn’t for your children right now. I’m sure it’s just a season. You seem to be a great Mom, and I have no doubt that you’ll raise great kids who love the Lord
Alison, our sons sound so much alike (right down to the same name!)
You’re so sweet; I hope you’re right about raising my kids to love the Lord. (And I’d say the same right back to you!)
Maybe it’s because I go to a smaller church (600-700 ppl) but it seems odd to me that there’s no adaptability. I’m the elementary director, and if there’s a kid who doesn’t want to do things, I’m fine with that, as long as they aren’t actively distracting anyone else. If they want to sit in the back row silently, that’s ok. Have you talked to children’s ministry workers? Are there other options?
I think I remember you saying that your husband works for the church, so finding a church that fits you better may not be an option. But I’ve found that the adults who participate in church tend to be the ones who went to church as a kid, so I think it’s really important for kids to participate in corporate worship.
I’m an introvert myself, and I understand the pain of having to do “embarrassing” extroverted things, but I still think it’d be better to go to attend. Maybe every other Sunday with grandparents and every other Sunday at church? That way they at least get in the habit of going fairly frequently, and you get to go more often…
Thanks for this perspective! (Although I’m laughing at the “small” church of 600-700 people! I guess it’s all relative
)
We’ve had some wonderful conversations with children’s ministry directors, but we’re still kinda stuck. I do like the idea of at least going every other week or so. I’m going to think about that one…
I’m 25, and have grown up in the Church. My family has always instilled great Christian values in me and I have grown up immersed in Christian Love. For that I am grateful. I know what it is like to not feel like you fit into a church, but still know that you are a Christian. I’m in that boat now.
It is important to be in community with other Christians and I have high hopes that I will eventually find my way to fit into a Church as a whole again. But for now I find the Church is not for me. I do still attend Church services, but not very consistently. I am still active with lending a hand with sunday school and other children’s programs.
There is always a nitch to still be involved, but not overwhelmed. It’s just a matter of finding it, embracing it and knowing that is the place for you, and your children. I pray you find it and enjoy it.
Thanks, Christi.
Anne, this is such a great post. As an introvert myself, and as someone who heard the “too bad, you’re going!” mantra so many times as a child, I have deep respect for the understanding you’re showing toward your kids’ unique personalities and needs.
Your line about being terrified that they’ll think Jesus isn’t for them either gave me chills. I know I’ve often feared that same thing for many reason: Am I accurately representing Him in my answers to their BIG questions? By the way I live my life? I pray desperately against disillusionment for them.
You and me both, Laura. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only mama praying that prayer for my kids. (Oh, and “too bad, you’re going!”? If I had a nickel for every time I heard THAT growing up…)
I attend an evangelical megachurch, too, and I agree that the K-4 service is all about LOUD. I’m an extrovert, and I still might not enjoy it much. I’ve had some friends who have switched to a smaller church specifically for the closer-knit environment for their kids. I think that if we’re responsible Christians, we can find ways to grow at lots of churches. As it’s our responsibility to raise our children to know God until they can make their own decision, it may be wise to try attending a church with a more your-kid-friendly children’s service/class so they can have the environment they need to grow. Church should be a family activity, and if they’re exempt for any reason, it ceases to be that.
“I think that if we’re responsible Christians, we can find ways to grow at lots of churches.”
YES. Thanks, Rachel.
I purchased a book a few years ago called Young Children and Worship, by Sonja Stewart and Jerome Berryman.
As an introvert, their approach really struck me as the kind of Sunday School experience I would have loved as a child — no rock music, no jumping around — just a lot of quiet wonder with hands-on materials. I used some of Berryman’s Godly Play lessons for a class of 4-5s once and (oh my!) the insights the kids came up with after the lessons just blew me away.
I have purchased some of Berryman’s handcrafted Godly Play materials for use in our home. (the temple, the tabernacle, and the arc of the covenant) I’ve also used some of his ideas to create materials of my own. Whenever we don’t go to church, we have “home church” instead. We enjoy a Godly Play lesson as a family. My kids absolutely love this.
There is some great information at:
http://www.godlyplayfoundation.org/newsite/Main.php
Thanks for the resources, Adriana. That title is new to me, and while I’ve heard of Godly Play, I didn’t know there was a website I could visit. I’ll definitely be checking those out!
Anne, I’m really proud of you for writing something so risky. I couldn’t agree with you more on wanting to teach your kids that Jesus is for them. Just because they don’t care for the classes doesn’t mean church is Jesus.
I grew up going to church every Sunday, every Wednesday. My mom was a children’s pastor all throughout my teen years and I worked in kids ministry for 10+ years. It wasn’t until 5 summers ago that I realized church is not Jesus. I had grown up getting to know the church and not Jesus. He is the one we serve. He is the one we worship.
So, in my opinion, the challenge as a believer is to lead people to Jesus, not to our churches. He is the one who saves us and changes our hearts.
Yes, Malisa, and thanks for the encouragement on this one. Now to communicate that to my kids!
Boy, have I been there! For several years, actually. My eldest always did fine in church, enjoyed it, was well-behaved, and we almost always went to one of the less popular services where “children’s church” wasn’t offered. My youngest, on the other hand, was another story. He was a wild thing, and crowds of any kind or loud noise (i.e. a church full of people singing a hymn) was sensory overload for him. Even though our church had recently undergone a HUGE renovation a cry room was voted down, so the only place to take him was a small entry room where we couldn’t hear the service, couldn’t see except through small windows, and could not participate in any way. Then, one Sunday, our pastor preached a sermon on young children in church. He basically said they were too loud and distracting to the adults present and parents should either attend the one service that offered child care or not come. We didn’t go back for several years. We’ve only recently found a new church home, and although my son did briefly go through a period where he decided he was going to worship the Greek Gods (he was reading the Lightning Thief series) things have been OK. He willingly goes to church and we discuss it afterwards. Do I regret not taking him for the years we missed? No. We were hurt and grieving over the loss of our church home, and it would have been worse to go somewhere we weren’t welcome and he didn’t enjoy.
Ugh, stuff like that hurts. Thanks for sharing your story, Angie, and for giving me the encouragement that you’re coming through okay on the other side of the childhood years.
Praying for you, Anne, as you look for answers. I hope there is some sort of middle ground where extrovert programs can meet introvert children.
Oh, Anne! I’m sorry you have to have this struggle–but I’m glad you’re struggling with it, if that makes sense, rather than either forcing your kids to be miserable or quitting entirely.
I know you said you don’t think you’d be comfortable taking them to the Big People Service, but maybe you could try it a time or two? You know that I’m coming from a completely different church tradition, and we don’t have separate services for adults and kids. Everyone worships together. For a focused, bookish introvert like me, this was perfect, but it’s recently occurred to me that more extroverted children might have been miserable. Hmm.
Anyway, the smallest children are really basically playing quietly in the pews. You don’t really /expect/ a three-year old to pay attention for the entire hour, and they don’t. By about seven, we were expected to follow along with the service, and even before I could read I wanted to sing the hymns. But did I actually pay all that much attention to the sermon until I was about middle school age? No. So your children might not pick up on what you don’t want them to pick up on, anyway. And if they do, well…I don’t know. What do you do when they encounter topics like pornography out in the real world?
I’m not convinced of the wisdom of separating children’s and adults’ worship in any case, even for those extroverted kids who enjoy children’s church. Does it come as a shock to you once you’re an adult and expected to suddenly go to completely different services that /aren’t/ all about fun and games and loud shouting? Does that then make you think that church is “boring” and “not for me” at that point? I’m trying to ask rather than just assume my opinion is correct
, since I’m completely unfamiliar with the practice.
Ugh. Church is hard. It seems it’s much easier to drive people (children and adults alike) /away/ from Jesus instead of toward Him. Yet the corporate church is so important, both to the individual’s spiritual health and as a vehicle for living out Christ’s mission.
You are making me suspect that my straitlaced, firmly opinionated, my-way-is-the-best-way and my-church-is-better-than-yours self (I promise I’m improving! I’m young yet) is going to have crazy wild extroverted children who will struggle as much in a Lutheran environment as yours do in a megachurch environment. NO FAIR.
Thanks for the wise words, Katie, and yes–these are all thoughts I have about my kids and church! I’m wrestling through what these thoughts will look like translated into action…
True enough. The thinking’s easy; the action is hard.
Good luck, Anne. You’ll make the best decision you (and Mr. Darcy, and the Little Darcys) can with the information you have at the time–and when the kids hit eighteen, they’ll make all their own choices anyway. ^_^
[...] Jeff Goins’s session on Falling Back in Love with Writing was amazing. He challenged us all to write something “dangerous” and publish it. You can read my submission here. [...]
I can certainly understand where you’re coming from, Anne. Our boys don’t seem to have too much trouble with the loud, mega-church, kids’ church experience. (One is an introvert.) However, my husband and I have struggled with it. Though I admit that I did appreciate a “break” from the kids when they were young – checking them into the kids’ program and not seeing them for 2.5 hours – I didn’t want that every Sunday and certainly don’t now that they’re 10 and 12. We want to worship as a family! Sure, they aren’t going to get everything in the big service, but they will take away something that we can discuss and experience together.
One of the perks of being on the mission field in a restricted place is that we have a good “excuse” to get creative with church. Most of us meet in “small” groups (30ish people) and then once a month corporately. However, in the last few months we’ve been meeting together with one other family and a single. We eat a meal together and then sit around in a circle for fellowship, adults and children alike. We’re going through the scriptures and an adult trained in “storying” tells the story of the chapter we’re on. We’re going through Judges (!) and you wouldn’t believe how it comes alive for adults and kids. Then we go around and re-tell the story to make sure we’ve gotten it. The kids are usually much better than the adults! After this, we answer basic questions, like: What did you learn about God? What did you learn about people? etc. It’s very interactive and we are all fed. Our kids love it. In fact, one of the older kids always prepares the music with Powerpoint and soundtrack. We truly worship as a family and couldn’t be happier with it.
Praying you find what works for your family!
I grew up sporadically attending a church that was Southern Baptist, THE church for most of the small town I lived in. It was very social and I felt very uncomfortable there. As a young adult I converted to Catholicism, truly my home. I identify with your kids in that my two oldest children were very uncomfortable in the weekly classes for sacraments. I teach them that curriculum at home, but they do attend church with me. My husband is “volunteering” to stay home with the toddler right now because we don’t have nursery services available – I think this is more about him not wanting to attend weekly service than anything else.
I’m not willing to stay away until my kids are “old enough.” When is “old enough?” I want them to have a relationship with Christ that endures, that guides them through the teenage years and into adulthood. If they grow up and fall away, it won’t be for lack of effort or exposure! Jesus established a church with Peter – that passage is very important to Catholics, but doesn’t it also stand with all Christians, that to be a follower of Christ you need to be part of his church? In your situation I think I would struggle with respecting the personalities of my children while trying to find a way to attend weekly services as a family. Maybe you are being led elsewhere?
I feel your pain in wanting to worship, and feeling kept away. You wrote something daring here and here I am adding – what? I’m not quite sure, but I’ve been thinking about this since you posted it.
We attend a small Anglican church and my middle son (our introvert) has always attended the service with us. He has NEVER been “ok” with going to preschool, and the few times we tried to leave him he hid behind a door, curled up into a ball, and cried until he couldn’t breathe. It is all just too overwhelming for him, even though it is only 3-7 kids on a given week.
I worried about having him in service with us, because I wondered if he’d be bored (doesn’t seem to be) a distraction (not really) or somehow lacking in his development since he simply wouldn’t leave us and play with other children. However, now that he is 5, he’s suddenly blossoming. He has friends and asks to play with them. He’s ok staying with a well-known babysitter. But he still chooses to sit in church with us, and I’m realizing that this is ok. It’s just him.
Anne, thank you for writing this! It’s funny, even though I self-identify as an extrovert, there is something about the kind of quiet Masses that we have out here. Most likely it allows for my squirrel-like mind to focus for just a bit.
Know I am praying for you, my dear friend.
Also, thank you for linking Jeff’s article. It really gave me a lot to think about… especially the part about writing for yourself!
(((hugs)))
As an adult introvert, can I just give you a giant cyber hug and thank you for realizing and accepting your kids’ introvert needs?!
So many people grow up feeling uncomfortable and out-of-place in church (and other places) without ever understanding why. When we get older, what do we do? Stay away from church – because we associate it with that uncomfortable, stressed feeling!
Your understanding of the why and exploration of ways to deal with it is going to give your kids a very solid foundation on which to base their own understandings of the difference between a relationship with God, the church as an institution, and how to effectively interact with/ incorporate them into their lives. That is such a gift! (Even if it’s rough on your right now.)
I can completely, wholeheartedly relate. My kids hated going to church and I worried for their hearts, so I tried something. I asked my hubby to get on board and read through the entire Bible with us in a year. And it was amazing. They got to ask all the questions they wanted. Some we answered, some we obviously couldn’t. And that was okay. It was a healing time for my kids and I. It was good for their hearts. Now we’re ready to go back, although I’m extra sensitive to not forcing them into the children’s service. Children’s ministry workers are predominantly volunteers… sometimes volunteers that have finally given in after being asked countless times (hey, we’ve all been there at times). And unless those volunteers plan on being regular and truly are kid-people who want to be there, then I’m fine with my children playing on my iPod or drawing while sitting with me at church.
One of the biggest temptations that we face (and the most dangerous) is the temptation to forego God’s Word in favor of other words which might be more in line with our desires.
Children need to be trained, as well as ourselves, that placing ourselves in the path of God’s Law, and His gospel is absolutely necessary to be kept in faith.
Yes, we do need to be kept in faith. And we constantly wander from it.
Going to church is a holy habit that helps keep us in faith and puts us in the path of the Living Word. Now, the hard part is finding a church that isn’t all about ‘you’ and what ‘we do’…but rather one that realizes the job (kill off the old sinner), and hand over Christ and His forgiveness of sins, freely and without strings. And hand over the Living God in His Supper (not a symbol).
Tough to find these days. But they are out there.
[...] my children are introverts, and they love visiting this church. My son loves the quiet. My daughters love the beauty of the [...]
This is so interesting. Just happened upon your site from pinterest. I find it interesting because, as a Catholic, I know that children’s /young family ministry is an area where many parishes struggle. I know a lot of former Catholics or other Christians who seek out a church based on its children’s ministry. I know of at least one family who left our parish, and I think the Catholic Church, due at least partly to feeling they needed a nursery/children’s church time. There were other issues, I think, so I’m not sure that would be the only reason someone would leave.
Some Catholic parishes pull out the young children during the readings and homily (sermon) but I have never liked that. They did it at my parish growing up and I didn’t really like it. It was basically a more child-focused talk and children reading the readings, or maybe re-tellings of scripture. I’m not sure. Of course, children aren’t required to be at Mass every week before the age of reason, around the time they recieve FIrst Communion, and if they are sick , or there are very difficult weeks, we’ve been known to alternate masses so that we can go and focus a bit more. But those are the extreme exceptions. My church does not even have a cry room, though our narthex (right outside the sanctuary) is quite large and you can hear/see the Mass going on. The basic MO at our church is to take your children and keep them with you even if the baby is babbling or the preschooler forgets to whisper. But then if they get disruptive, we take them out long enough to get them quiet enough to return. WIth my current 15 month old, there are many Sundays I spend 80% of the Mass in the narthex as he’s very wiggly right now, naturally, and doesn’t understand its a quieter place yet. When my twins were between 1 and 2 1/2 it was extremely difficult. They still don’t LOVE mass. But they are starting to “follow along” in the Missal – at age 4, they can’t read, but they still want to be on the right page. My 8 and 6 year old are active participants. I can’t imagine having them separated for most of their child hood and then plopped into the adult congregation. But of course, most evangelical services have more movement and song than your average Mass/ Episcopalian/Orthodox liturgy, correct? Lots of praise and worship, I would think. So maybe the transition isn’t as difficult. I think some churches need to do more for kids, and other churches need to respect that if we give children the truth and beauty of God’s word and beautiful worship, it will sink in and effect them. Everything doesn’t have to be “fun” to be good. On the spur of the moment on All Saints Day (nov. 1) I taught my chidlren the hymn “For all the Saints”. They have gotten so much out of it. They’ve sung it at a Catechism class, they’ve sung it for their great – grandparents and sing it around the house. Its not a fast, jumpy song. But its beautiful. Well, I realize this is an old post, so maybe you won’t see this,but it got me thinking. Sorry for babbling on.
Amanda, babble away anytime! And thanks for stopping by
It’s so interesting to me to hear how other parishes and congregations choose to have children participate (or not) in their services. I just looked to see when I published this post–it was back in February–and now almost a year later this is an issue that we are continuing to work through in my family. (And as I’m sure you know, young children change and grow so quickly that what works one month won’t necessarily work the next!)
Thanks for sharing about your experience with your own family. (I love the song For All the Saints! I love the idea of teaching favorite, and meaningful, songs to my children. I’ll be thinking about that…)
We are dealing with this now with a grandchild who is 15 who has been at our mid-mega size church since she was 5 yrs. old … but now that she is in youth she doesn’t want to be in SS or go on Wednesday nights because she feels left out … the outgoing ones have formed their own clique … they want to sit up front when she doesn’t feel comfortable up there … so now she is at home and only goes intermittently … breaks my heart because she is missing out on growing spiritually …
I feel the same way, though … like I don’t really fit in … the music is too loud … the meet and greet time seems superficial … change churches you say … in my area there are virtually no small evangelical churches … the majority are all very large … I force myself to go out of my commitment to the Lord … but I am not happy … I miss intimacy, close knitness and acceptance for who I am … an introvert … tired of people making me feel guilty for not being an outgoing person …
An adult SS class of 50 is considered a “small” group … I am overwhelmed …
Oh, Kathy–that’s so hard when that happens, but especially when it happens in church. And it’s so hard to watch kids struggle with this, too.
I would highly recommend Adam McHugh’s book Introverts in the Church, if you haven’t found it already. (Susan Cain’s Quiet is also wonderful, and briefly addresses introverts in the church, as well.) Both those books made me feel a lot more understood and a lot less crazy.