Nine years ago I had a baby–my first. I was young and clueless, had precious little experience with newborns, and barely knew what to do with this newly arrived 7-pound-bundle of love, who was breathtaking and beautiful and who cried all the time.
Nothing I had heard or read about motherhood had prepared me for the utter helplessness I felt when I couldn’t make my own child happy. He would nurse, or cry–those were the two options. Some sleep would have been a welcome addition to the mix, but those restful times were rare, and short-lived.
Slowly, my baby and I found our way. I didn’t know anyone who’d had a cranky baby, so I read everything I could get my hands on about high-needs babies. I found myself a baby sling and mastered the art of swaying my son through 3 planes of motion. We headed outside and walked for miles, leaving the stroller at home. I didn’t have a “happy baby” but we started enjoying more and more happy moments.
I loved the happy moments, but I felt like I’d lost control over my life. I had things I needed to get done, and my cranky baby was constantly getting in the way. My temper would flare whenever my plans for the day were thwarted by my baby, which was pretty much all the time.
The turning point came when I realized that was no way to view my baby–as an obstacle to my Real Life. Mothering was now my real life.
My temper is much slower to flare now than it was all those years ago (thanks to practice, practice, practice), but I still find myself getting snippy when my kids’ needs are interfering with my to-do list. If I’m having a perceptive day, I can recognize my mistake for what it is: I’ve made my agenda more important than my kids. I’ve fallen into the trap of thinking my children are interfering with my Real Life.
But it’s not true. Mothering is my Real Life. And it’s a much better life, for all of us, when I embrace it.
I’m sharing this post at Sarah Bessey’s Practices of Parenting Carnival. Head on over to read more!
photo credit: peasap
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Yes, yes, yes. I’m guilty of this. I remember yelling at my baby when she was only a few weeks old because I wanted to can tomatoes and she wouldn’t sleep. I felt horrible when I realized I was putting my agenda before her needs. I felt even worse when she fell asleep half an hour later and I was able to get to my errands. Talk about a narrow perspective. Thanks for showing me I’m not alone! I’ve had to shift my perspective, too, to realize that mothering comes first on my to-do list. It’s not always easy, though!
The title of this post would make a great bumper sticker on my 12 passenger van. Love it – great perspective!
No, you’re definitely not alone! (Glad I’m not the only one, too!) And it’s sure not easy to keep the right perspective–I’m always grateful when other moms can (gently) remind me.
Oh, Anne. As usual, such wisdom in your words! Thank you so much for this insightful truth. May we all embrace the beautiful (even when it’s messy) life that is motherhood!
Thanks, Jen
I had my first baby almost five months ago…and until about two months ago, the first four paragraphs of your post described my experience precisely. Thankfully, like you & your little one, my baby & I have now “found our way,” but the beautiful wisdom you shared here is so timely for me, nonetheless. Thank you so much for sharing.
This is exactly what I find myself struggling with right now. I am a full time mom of a 1 and 2 yr old and my life is now ruled by everyone else’s needs and wants with precious little time for what I dream of doing. I am realizing that this is the dream, that this is the gift, and Even though I find myself with that familiar frustration often, I’m clumsily finding my way through.
Yeah, I get that. Motherhood may be a great job, but it sure is a lot of hard work, too. Don’t beat yourself up when the work is hard!
I love your honesty. I find myself trying to ‘organize’ my son in the same way I organize my day, my life. He has been a beautiful immovable rock in my life, not letting me think that he can be organized, which inadvertently challenged my whole belief on my ability to organize my life.
There is so much learning to be had as a mother – bless! but it is hard sometimes.
I love your post, thanks for linking up with Sarah’s Carnival.
Um, yes. Having a baby destroyed the illusion that I had control over my own life! I love my kids, and I love being a mom, but it IS hard sometimes!
Oh, Anne, my two-week old was just diagnosed as having colic today. He wants to be held All The Time. Sometimes I want to do things. Like eat. And sleep. Most of the time I am overwhelmingly grateful for the precious gift of his life entangled with mine. It helps that I have the best husband ever. It also helps that I have the best church family, who first helped with meals and now are coming over periodically to help with whatever needs doing.
I haven’t entirely fallen into the sinful thought pattern you describe here, but there have been times I’ve found myself edging towards it. I am so grateful for your words, as they are a light to guide me back to the right path. Thanks!
Amanda R., Louisville
OH NO!!! I’m so glad you’re in a good position with good help, but yikes, colic is tough! Praying that both of you get some rest very, very soon.
So, so, so good. I love this.
Yes, real life! Love it! Not temporary, not something-to-get-through, not a stage or even season, but real life. Thank you for the reminder!
Honestly, this is one of the big reasons I am waiting a few more years to have kids. I have some big plans to put into motion yet–one of which just took off this week. I want to make sure that when I have kids, I will be able to make them my #1 priority and not be worrying about these other dream plans I’ve wanted to launch before I die. It’s given me the focus and drive to get things done NOW, so that I can be totally focused on my kids.
ABSOLUTELY! I can so relate. I spent the first three months of my sons life walking with him in a carrier. Just walking. Often for 6 hours a day. But I found magic in those walks and I wouldn’t trade them.
Love this post. I actually followed your link over from a comment on EE’s post, and then realized this is one of the links from the carnival I also participated in with Sarah at Emerging Mummy. Ah, the small world of blogging. Going to check out some more of your posts now. Have a great day!
[...] post is a follow-up to My Kids Don’t Interfere With My Real Life; Motherhood Is My Real Life. If you missed that post, you can read it [...]
This is well put: that being a mother now IS your real life, not the hindrance to your real life. It is still hard (given our sinful natures) to put aside self at times (at least for me!), but what gifts our little ones are. I am so much happier when I take time to appreciate instead of grouch.
I need to print this up and put it on the wall. At our last MOPS meeting, we talked about God’s agape love… How it is unconditional, sacrificial and initiating and how it is a great model of loving to follow.
The unconditional and initiating parts… Solid.
The sacrificial? Eh… Not so much.
But I, too, forget this is my real life and it doesn’t last forever.
Thanks, Anne, I needed this reminder! I’m learning more and more, through parenting, how selfish I tend to be.