Right after college, my husband and I moved into our cute little starter home in an old first-ring suburb.
A month later, two women moved into the brick house on the corner, on the other end of the block.
For the longest time, I didn’t know my neighbors were gay. I knew the two women lived together, but they might have been sisters, friends, roommates, whatever. I just knew they were good neighbors. They took way better care of their yard than I did, kept their house in great shape, and always waved a friendly wave when we drove by.
I found out they were gay almost a decade later, when those ladies went to court to get a restraining order against the neighbor across the street, who was terrorizing them because she didn’t like their lifestyle.
We got to know our local police pretty well in the months that followed. It was clear that the restraining order was being violated, but to bring an action, the police had to catch her in the act. This was tough. She was unpredictable: there was no telling what time of day she’d get drunk and start yelling–or worse–at the neighbors she so hated.
One night we took the trash out at 10pm and found a cop car keeping watch in our front yard–literally parked in our grass, hidden from sight by our giant trees–just waiting for this woman to throw open her kitchen window and start hollering slurs (or throwing beer bottles) at the house across the street. Another time, I piled the kids in the car on a sunny Saturday morning, and had to nicely ask the 3 police cars staked out in our driveway to move so we could leave the house.
The police eventually busted the lady for violating the restraining order, and my street has been drama-free of late. But I still remember the ongoing, continuous persecution my neighbors endured because they were gay.
The irony is rich: my gay neighbors are wonderful neighbors. But my kids aren’t allowed to play in our front yard unless I’m right there to supervise, because my restrained-neighbor has been known to careen tipsily down the road at all hours, and I don’t want my kids to be hit by a drunk driver in their own front yard.
I’ve always tried to be a good neighbor–to be welcoming and friendly and kind–but I still feel like a party to something shameful, when on my nice suburban street people are being treated so cruelly.
I want them to know that I think they’re wonderful neighbors, and kind people, and I’m glad we live on the same block.
They know where my husband works–for the big church that paid a lot of money to take out billboards opposing same-sex marriage when the issue came up for debate in our own state. I wonder if they hold that against me, but I don’t know how to ask. I want them to know that I love them, because they’re my neighbors. Because I think Jesus would love them. I can see him on my street, chatting up my gay neighbors while they walk their dogs. He wouldn’t say anything awkward. I’m so terrified of being awkward.
My gay neighbors and I chat about pretty basic neighborly stuff: sports and the weather, their dogs and my kids. We don’t talk about them being gay or me being a Christian. I don’t know what I believe about the gay marriage thing, but there they are at the end of the street, together, just like my husband and I down here on our end. We moved in just one month apart. I wonder how long they were together before that.
I don’t know, we don’t go there. I’m so afraid I’ll say something all wrong. I want them to like me. I want them to like Jesus. I feel like I’ll shove my foot in my mouth and ruin things forever, amen.
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Anne, I love your heart. Can I offer this simple suggestion? Risk saying something awkward. The silence and wondering on both ends is worse than never attempting the conversation at all. The easiest place to start could be asking them how they met and how long they’ve been together.
Your neighbors are lucky to have you as their neighbor. I’m sure your efforts will serve to deepen the existing relationship.
Leigh, you are so completely right, and this is exactly what I’ve been thinking, but I get a little paralyzed thinking of all the completely ridiculous things I’ve said to people before! I love your conversation openers
Gay next-door neighbors (awesome neighbor and a good father), gay co-workers, gay colleagues, gay roommates, gay friends. It’s so common place over the course of my life that it’s not even noteworthy, Anne. One of my closest friends is gay; so’s his husband. We talk about the same things other good friends talk about. We go out together for dinner. we talk about what’s going on in each other’s families and how things are at work. I tell him what’s going on at church and he calls me while he’s on the road to a gay pride celebration.
That’s what it looks like in my relationships, anyway. I agree with Leigh. Say something awkward and risky. Preface it with “I feel so awkward and risky saying this”. If they can’t handle the conversation, well then at least you know. But I bet they can.
Tim
P.S. New guest post just went up, linked through my name. Hope you (and any other readers!) get a chance to take a look.
Tim, I have other gay friends and relatives, but I’ve never witnessed and of them being the target of such pointless and unprovoked hatred. I’m sure it happens–and sometimes we even talk about it–but I’ve been thinking about my neighbors so much in light of the recent vote in North Carolina, and I feel my street has been violated by this woman’s actions. I feel guilty being a witness of sorts to the ugliness on the other end of the block.
Thank you so much for the suggestions and encouragement. I need both
I see what you mean, Anne. If I witnessed such hateful behavior on my own block I know it’d be a visceral experience.
This got me thinking too about your neighbors; they can’t help but appreciate you reaching out to them, because everyone likes to know that someone else is caring for them and wants the best for them. (Just like how I appreciate Jesus for caring about me!)
Tim
This is beautiful and honest. And that is refreshing. Chances are they feel just as awkward. I agree with the above comments and just say something.
When I was sick, I found it was refreshing when a couple that brought us dinner asked about losing my eyebrows and eyelashes. We ended up talking about it and then actually laughed about it. It broke the ice and I ended up feeling more comfortable talking to these acquaintances later on than some of our close friends.
Thanks for approaching this subject as it really needs to start being talked about in our Christian circles. I really appreciate it.
And I love your new blog and the look of it.
What a great post! I have a close family member who is gay and I have been so embarrassed by the way she has been treated by the Christians in our family. It makes me sad that no one talks to her and I continually ask them, “Who would Jesus have talked to?” I can guarantee that He would talk to her at the Christmas party and not ignore her. We are very close – she knows my views and how I don’t approve of the homosexual lifestyle or believe in gay marriage – but we are still close because I don’t remind her of those views. I simply invest in her life because I love her. I ask about her girlfriend. I meet them out for dinner. There really isn’t a “don’t go there” type subject between us. I share with them my faith in the basis of a “this is what God is doing in my life…” conversation and they share in my excitement and they ask questions. I think it helps that I don’t try to change their hearts or their view points – Only Christ that do that- so I just love them, but not a pity love but a genuine friendship love. Will be praying for your relationship with your neighbors! Great post.
Anne, forgive me if I’ve shared this with you already, but I have a page on my site that serves as a resource guide to reconciling Christianity and homosexuality. I know there are a lot of people who are unsure what to think because their religion makes a strong contrast with the real gay people they know and love, and these resources can help make some sense out of that conflict.
I can’t tell from your post, but it sounds like you don’t know if your neighbors are Christians or not. They may be. Many LGBTQ folks have been driven from Christianity because of hateful Christians, but some have stayed — or found faith — because of Jesus and because of loving, welcoming Christians.
This issue is dear to my heart, so feel free to get in touch if you want to talk further about it.
Jessica, thanks for the link. And you’re right, I don’t know anything about whether or not my neighbors are people of faith or not. I haven’t asked them, largely because I’m afraid of saying something terribly, horribly awkward. Like, I know they know my husband works for the big church that launched a massive ad campaign against gay marriage when that issue was up to vote in my state. That’s probably all the more reason to discuss faith issues with them, though. I’m going to be brave and start a conversation about something deeper than the weather they walk their dogs by my house next. Which will probably be at 4:00 today.
Amen! I always feel unsure of myself when there is anything that could be potentially awkward in a conversation! I will be praying for you and then thinking that it should be easier to witness to my neighbors….
I just found your blog through a link in my Google Reader, and had to comment and tell you how much I truly enjoyed this post. I’m a Christian, and I also have family members who are gay (as well as family members who are members of the clergy, who drink too much, who eat too much – wait, that’s me – and others who use language so rough I don’t want to bring my toddler around.)
It’s so complicated, and I take a lot of flack back home in Alabama and here in Texas for not taking a “stronger stand” against it. But I agree with you, it’s not that simple. I’ve always been reminded of Matthew 7:5 about taking the plank out of your own eye before worrying about the splinter in your neighbor’s.
I’m glad the restraining order has been successful in helping your neighbors; I know how hard those can be to really truly enforce, but it speaks volumes about your local police that they took it seriously and didn’t let something worse happen.
(Oh, and welcome to my RSS feed. I’m very glad I started following links this morning.)
Kelly, thanks so much for the kind words, and for reading!
And you know what? Some of my other neighbors’ had a cynical take–that the local police had too much time on their hands to care *that* much. I like your interpretation much better.
Hey Anne,
So totally different from you my blog totally touches on faith and non-faith…but the traffic there is SIGNIFICANTLY less than yours!
My husband has a sister and she has a partner…and now they are having a baby. It’s all awkward but when my sister-in-law came over to ask us about having a baby, we told her what Jesus taught. It was so awkward, and although she still chose to be impregnated in a not so loving, romantic way, she has told my husband she is glad to know we care, even if we don’t agree with her decision.
She’s a nice girl and so is her partner…we don’t try to exclude or offend, but we do stand as Christians and sometimes that means offering the nice conversation or friendly smile. She’s a person and so is her partner. I don’t think Christ would reject His own…LOVE LOVE LOVE.
Maybe you’ve said something. Maybe you haven’t. Saying something risky can remind them that their are Christians who desire to be Christ-like!