This post is a follow-up to My Kids Don’t Interfere With My Real Life; Motherhood Is My Real Life. If you missed that post, you can read it here.
Back when my cranky firstborn was little, I was overwhelmed by the non-stop tasks of mothering. I hardly had a moment to spare, between nursing him for endless hours, walking for miles with him nestled in the baby sling, and pacing the floor patting his back during what was supposed to be nap time.
Little changed that first year. Our baby grew older, but he was persistently cranky and sleep-deprived. We finally put together a team of therapists to tackle the issue (which turned out to be sensory processing disorder), including a family therapist.
I unleashed on our therapist one afternoon at our dining room table. I was frustrated, putting all my ambitions aside so that I could calm a crying baby for 16 hours a day and nurse him the other 8. My old self had loved to dream and scheme and hope and plan about the Big Ideas–usually about faith, God and the church–and instead I was walking miles and miles with the baby sling, reading in the rocking chair, and playing Thomas trains on the floor all day.
“Would you rather be doing that now?”
“No, I want to be my baby’s mother. But I hate the feeling that I’ve given all that up forever.”
“Are you saying you feel like you’ll never be able to pursue those dreams? Because babies don’t stay babies for long. You’ll have time to follow those dreams, if you want to.”
And he patiently explained to me that yes, I’d become a mother–and I’d always be one–and that was a good thing. And yet I was still the same person I’d always been, with my own interests and ideas and ideals and it was important to not give that up because I had a baby. He encouraged me to stay engaged in the topics that fired me up, and to leave the door open to pursuing these things more fully one day in the future.
Those words were a gift.
They gave me the desire to be fully present in each stage of my parenting journey, knowing that babies grow and women do, too, and that nothing stays the same for long.
They gave me the freedom to pursue God with all of my being, and not just the parts that nurse tinies and change diapers, read bedtime stories and play Thomas trains on the floor.
They kept me from looking to my kids as my only source of “career” fulfillment, which is a recipe for disaster.
I am so thankful to be a mother, and its an important part of who I am. But motherhood isn’t my whole life.
And that’s the way it should be.
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This is so good, Anne, and so important to remember. I have some time yet before motherhood, but thanks for the reminder to not let motherhood become my WHOLE life. Motherhood will be one defining aspect of me, yes, but it won’t be the only one. First I’m a wife, then a mother, and a friend, and a daughter and sister–and the things that make me who I am now won’t change when I become a mother. They’ll just be added to.
I just read the companion post and this parenthesis was lingering in my mind as well as I read it. Thanks for adding another word to that post! I do think that keeping our minds alive and being who God created us to be helps us be better mothers. And it is a good example for our daughters.
Agree!! This is why I have chosen to chosen to not work full-time; they are little for such a little time, but this is why I do work part-time ~ motherhood is not my whole life.
Beautifully written!
Goodness, I really needed to hear this. My little one is nearly 19 months old, and I love love love being home with her while she’s little. But I do get an achy sort of feeling sometimes…when I feel as if I’m forgetting who I am and turning into a mom-a-tron (that’s a robot-mom, jsyk). And though I don’t do a terrible job at remembering myself as an individual, I need these kinds of reminders often (like, daily). So thanks again, and I’m definitely adding you to my RSS reader! <3
Thanks, Melissa!
Still laughing at the mom-a-tron!
Thank you for your words here. They are true and a gift for all mothers to read.