The lightbulb went off for me the first time I visited Adam McHugh’s blog Introverted Church. I’d never seen those words side-by-side before, and all I could think was of course. I’d never seen anyone discuss the contemporary church from this perspective, which is surprising, given my MBTI fascination! I’ve been following McHugh’s blog ever since that first serendipitous discovery, and I’ve just finished his excellent book Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture, in which he explores the subject in more detail.
McHugh discusses how many of our churches today–especially mainstream evangelical ones–have an extroverted bias, highly valuing attention-getting extroverted traits such as sociability, passion, and openness in sharing personal stories. This bias flavors the tone of church gatherings as well, which are often talkative and informal. I’d never pondered the personality of my church before, but McHugh’s description rang true. This shouldn’t be surprising, because I attend an evangelical megachurch.
I’m an introvert, and I nodded and laughed in recognition as I read McHugh’s descriptions of introvert behavior. I recognized the coping strategies I’ve been honing for years, like never entering the sanctuary more than 3 minutes before the service starts so I miss the loud buzz of pre-service chatter, or sitting in one particular section so that my attention won’t stray to what’s happening on the periphery.
There’s another problem with a church that adopts the extroverted bias of the culture: it tends to hold up extroverted qualities as the spiritual ideal. The mature Christian is portrayed as one whose faithfulness is evidenced by sharing the deep dark secrets of their heart in front of 9,000 people on the weekends, and sharing the gospel with their bank teller on weekdays.
These are wonderful things, but this is an incomplete version of the Christian life. God made extroverts and introverts, and the church needs both to be complete. McHugh explains what introverts bring to the table (like for starters, we’re really good listeners), and why the church needs their presence to be whole.
I enthusiastically recommend Introverts in the Church to all personality types: to the introverts, who may feel inferior or misunderstood in a culture that values extroversion, and to the extroverts, who will benefit from learning more about life on the other side of the personality divide.
As a parent, I do wish McHugh had tackled the subject of introverted children in the church. I have 4 children under age 9. Several are introverted; I believe one to be an orchid child. So what does a parent of introverted children do when faced with an extroverted children’s ministry?
I wish I had a definitive answer. I do have some thoughts, which I’ll share later this week. (In the meantime, go check out introverted parenting week over at Introverted Church.)
What are your thoughts? Does this concept ring true to you? Do you think your church has a personality bias?
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I’ve been reading McHugh’s blog and am also an MBTI nerd, but I’ve been debating about whether or not to check out his book.
I /don’t/ go to an evangelical megachurch; I think if you could give denominations a Meyers-Briggs test, Missouri Synod Lutheranism would be an introvert. It doesn’t seem, to me, that extroverted qualities are held up as “more Christian” in my church, and I would guess that a significant majority of the members of both my childhood and current congregations would test as introverts themselves.
I’m just not sure, given that, how useful the book would be. What do you think? Does it speak pretty specifically to the megachurch-type community or would it be interesting to a more general audience?
The one place I do see that sort of extroverted mentality even in the Lutheran church is in children’s and youth programs. I remember being seeing-red furious at some babysitting-night thing at church where the youth leaders forced me to play some dumb run-around-like-an-idiot game with the other kids when all I wanted to do was sit quietly in a corner and read my book. I’m still pissed off about that, and I resolved then and there to hate the two people who did it, which was both idiotic and vindicated when the girl eventually grew up had an extravagant hot-pink wedding that was pretty much the antithesis of restrained good taste.
I wish McHugh had addressed those issues, too, but then–does he have kids? Perhaps, dear Anne, this is a project for you.
It’s difficult, though, to engage a group of children or youth in a way that works for both introverts and extroverts, and a lot of people can’t think beyond “fun games” for activities for these groups.
Katie, if you enjoy Adam’s blog, I’d say read it
The book is thorough (he starts with the Great Awakening!) and covers many aspects of introverts and their faith, and how that’s expressed both individually and corporately. He’s NOT just speaking to the megachurch-type community; I think my own church is a bit of an outlier here.
I found his section on introverts and conflict very illuminating: his description of an introvert-in-conflict fits my husband to a “T.” He drives me nuts in this regard and it was helpful for me to read Adam’s description and realize he’s not doing it wrong, he’s just introverted!) We’re both introverts, but he is waaaaay more introverted than I am in this area!
One of my major takeaways from the book is to recognize the personality issues at play in matters of faith for what they are, and to understand that we need both the I’s and the E’s in our faith communities if we’re going to be healthy and whole.
I happened to visit an Episcopal church yesterday, right on the heels of finishing this book, and it was sooooo interesting. Not an Andy Stanley or Rick Warren reference to be had–it was all Mary Oliver and e.e.cummings and Proust from the pulpit! Introverted, indeed!
As for the issue of introverted kids, Adam’s not a parent, and the book stands fine on its own. It certainly doesn’t feel like it’s missing anything. But my introverted children are turning out to be THE issue for me….but I’ll write about that later this week! (Fun fact: I used to write children’s ministry curriculum. In looking back, it definitely had an introverted slant!)
(Gotta say I’m still dying at the hot-pink wedding, 10 minutes after reading your comment!)
Ok, yes, that eliminates my concern, then. Guess I’ll add it to the library hold list (ha).
I will admit that sermons bereft of references to anything but the Bible (well, and Luther) are an advantage of Lutheran churches. It’s a sermon, not a book tour for the hot-preacher-of-the-hour. -_-
I sort of want to undertake a church tour and go to some services for different denominations around town, just so that I’ll understand what all the people on the internet are talking about and where they’re coming from…but finding Sundays where I’m not busy at my church is hard. I suppose if it’s important enough I’ll get around to it eventually.
(YES. It was the most hideous thing.)
I also should have said: as far as introverted children are concerned, change has to start with the grown-ups. And this book addresses the grown-ups wonderfully.
Good point.
I got all excited when you said you’re Missouri Synod Lutheran–me too!! And I agree with you, for the most part, that the LCMS is fairly introverted–but I think it depends on the congregation. I go to two churches regularly. My hubby and I are in college (at a Concordia, lol) and the church right across the street from our school is a big (1000+ people on a weekend) church. The one his dad preaches at, half an hour a way, has forty or so people on a Sunday. And most of them are sixty or older. That’s an introverted church…St. John, not so much.
I will agree with you that when you compare an LCMS church with, say, most Evangelical Free churches–yeah, we’re pretty introverted.
Oh, it definitely depends on the church. Our pastor in Tulsa is…well, to put it kindly, an extrovert, and a bit too charismatic for my taste, and it’s a completely different experience when it’s him preaching versus a guest preacher. And I have heard tell of Lutheran megachurches (up in Minnesota and that area), and I’m sure that makes a difference, as would being a college-area church with lots of students in the congregation, etc. etc. etc.
But I think the basic philosophy of the Lutheran church is very attractive to introverts and that, on balance, it’s a more introverted church than the “evangelical” types. As you said. ^_^
Yay Lutherans!
Sorry, I’m laughing at this post a little, because I feel like the wrong kind of Christian sometimes (a lot of times) because I am extroverted – and loud and a little obnoxious sometimes, or rather, I just tell it like I see it. And Christians are ‘supposed’ to be meek and gentle, especially the women! So, I’m not laughing at you, I’m just laughing at the fact that it doesn’t matter who we are, we feel we’re wrong sometimes! I’m sorry though, that we make it hard for you and your children. When my daughter first graduated from nursery and had to be in church during the singing, she would clamp her hands over her ears and cry, so we spent the first few months in the lobby during the singing, where it was more tolerable. But the point of church is to learn to be together despite our differences, so maybe if you went to a smaller church, you could teach them how to have some introverted time (like silent prayer?) and not always focus on the extrovert type behaviours/worship styles.
This book was so eye-opening for me that I have a week’s worth of posts planned for mid-March. I can not understate how good- and healing- it was for my soul to read Introverts in the Church. I have been wrestling with my church ever since arriving there a year and a half ago, certain it would be the right place, only to finally concede last month that it’s not. It was perfect timing to read Introverts in the Church and to understand what I need in a church and how I best respond.
It’s been very interesting to review my church history in the light of Introverts in the Church. I’m looking forward to reading your thoughts in March.
In the meantime, let’s chat about it on Sunday IN REAL LIFE, okay? !!!
I am highly in favor of this plan.
I’m really looking forward to this book! I’m more of an introvert and while I’m not in a megachurch, I think modern worship/fellowship tends to be more user friendly for extroverts.
I think the other commenter’s point about children’s groups is a good one, too. I teach Sunday school and it can be very challenging to come up with good group activities. I find myself reinventing each year because some years, we’re extrovert-heavy and they like to act out stories or work on group projects. Other years I have kids who want to read or work on crafts at their seats. And I also need to make sure that kids who have personalities that diverge from the majority of the group are brought in and fed, too. I usually end up having 2 possible lesson plans in mind each week and I just take the temperature of the group a bit before deciding which version of activities we’re going to dive into.
Amy, that sounds like such a good plan, to “take the temperature of the group” first. Love it.
I love, love, love this book. I’ve been recommending it left and right ever since I read it last year. It helped me heal in a lot of ways, embrace my personality instead of fighting it, and it really helped my extroverted husband understand me more (especially in the area of conflict resolution: I want to flee and process for a while, and he desperately wants to talk it out immediately. He finally understands that when we talk it out immediately, I’m just putting a fake patch on it so he’ll leave me alone so I can go process!)
I was raised in (and still reside with) the Southern Baptists, which definitely have the extreme extrovert bias. I talk a lot about liturgy on my blog because I kind of long for more contemplative traditions. But I think for now, the Lord is teaching me to love and just deal with people who aren’t like me.
The introverted children thing would definitely be interesting for you to cover, Anne. My two toddler boys are HIGHLY extroverted, so I’m no help there
Aubry, I hear you on the Southern Baptist thing. I live a mile from SBTS and where Al Mohler goes out to dinner makes the news on a slow day here!
I appreciate your perspective on the book, and on finding your place in the church. I think learning to love the people you’re with is an excellent plan
I’m curious to see how my two younger kids turn out, personality-wise. I have my hunch, but I think they’re still a little young to say for sure!
I have been pondering the possibility that I might be an introvert ever since you explained the distinction between being introverted and being shy over at Modern Mrs. Darcy. I’m not shy and I’m not an extrovert, so thank you for clearing that up!
This explains so much: why I would rather be late for church than too early, why I feel absolutely exhausted on Sunday afternoons, why I am sometimes relieved to listen to the sermon from the nursing mother’s room, why I prefer to entertain one friend at a time.
My daughter is an extrovert; she recharges around large groups of people. When she was small, she would pretend she was having a party in the back yard with lawn chairs and stuffed animals whenever we returned home from real parties. She just can’t seem to get enough social time. It is very challenging for me to tend to this need in her!
Looking forward to reading more that you have to say on this subject. I’ll be sure to check-out the book.
Adriana, I’m so glad you’ve found the discussion helpful. But what I’ve said just skims the surface–go check out Adam’s blog! (He has a great post or two about introvert parents raising extrovert kids, too.)
Anne, thank you so much for this post! I’ve been discussing this exact topic with a good friend of mine this week. She sent me an article on introverts and then I opened up my reader and there was your post! I just downloaded the kindle edition and am looking forward to reading it! I also noticed in the “People Who Bought This Book Also Bought These” section, a book called: “Evangelism for the Rest of Us: Sharing Christ within Your Personality Style.” I’m excited to check that one out as well! As someone who works in the church (in an administration position, not a ministerial position), I have really struggled with the extroverted nature of my position and the things that are expected of me outside the position, but inside the church. Things like Women’s Retreats scare the daylights out of me and it takes me a week to recover! Glad to find kindred spirits!
Hurray for kindred spirits! I’m glad you found the right information at the right time
When I saw the title of this post my thoughts immediately went to our friends the monks. These monks are cloistered and while they do enjoy visits from us normal people they choose a life of isolation even in the midst of a busy city.
I guess you could call cloistered communal living the ultimate in introverted, but wait there is more some monks prefer to live alone in as hermits. They truly relish the quiet and peace and time to be alone with God.
It wasn’t until I moved to the Buckle of the Bible Belt that I gave much thought to evangelical bible churches and why they do not suit my personality. As INTJ the structure and relative quietness of a Catholic Mass is what I need, to here a choir sing in Latin, it sounds like what I imagine the angels sound like when they praise God.
It is good to know that there is a way for us all to be involved in church though.
Lisa, isn’t moving to Bibleland the weirdest of weird things? I don’t think liturgically-reared INTJs belong in these here parts. I feel like I spend half my time staring at people in utter incomprehension. o_0
For me it always helped to find a small(ish) parish, but now my husband is the Deacon to the Bishop. I know, nothing like being in the big church, this is a recent change for us so I am stilling trying to find my spot. Nice thing about a big parish (one that is bigger than most mega churches in this area) is that I can be as involved as I want. No one is counting on me to lead any groups I don’t want to. We find our selves sitting with other like minded families in the “choir” , not the loft but the sides of the church, just off the altar. (It is like being in the wings of a theater production). This is the perfect place for us because it feels small and intimate and we can get to know the families around us. Very important for the introvert in me.
Good for you, finding the benefits of a bigger congregation and a way to make it work for your own personality. I think too often we want organizations to change to cater to us and our personalities, instead of taking the responsibility to look for solutions where we are. If that makes sense.
I mean, I’m the guiltiest of it, but still.
This is definitely true of most of the parishes I’ve been to, and I tend to feel that it’s very unfortunate not only for those of us who are introverts, but also the extroverts who are having the opportunity to really hear God in the beauty of silence taken from them. I’m really blessed to be going to a college that advocates peace and stillness in our chapel… I think the personality types on both sides have benefited from it.
God bless!
I’m also a MBTI nerd, an introvert (INFJ specifically), and attend an Evangelical “megachurch,” so when I saw this post I thought “she wrote this for ME!” Thank you SO much for bringing Introverted Church to my attention. I just knew I couldn’t possibly be the only one! <3 –mj
[...] we attend an evangelical megachurch, and the controlling equation of children’s ministry, from age 4 on up, is Big + Loud = Fun. [...]
I am a recent suscriber. Hey, anyone who shares the love of Stash Lemon-Ginger tea is a friend of mine! (Don’t you love when you get to the bottom of your cup?)
We did attend a mega-church in our area and my daughter cried every time we dropped her off at the kid’s church. My son (who was older) complained how loud it was. We now attend a small Baptist congregation and the kids enjoy it a lot.
I really need to get this book. My husband is an very introverted (I am also, but not as much as him) and he loves to high tail it out of church as soon as it is over. I prefer to chit chat some. I’m going to look into it!
The gingery bottom of the cup is the best!
Thanks for sharing what this dynamic has looked like in your family.
[...] if you missed my reviews of Adam McHugh’s Introverts in the Church and Jen Hatmaker’s 7, you should add those books to your to-read list [...]
Though I loved the Introvert book, I am loving the conversation as regards introverted kids in church even more- especially since I have some introverted kids who have been alienated from church due to some of the things discussed here.
My older kids have been told that not taking an active role in discussion groups shows spiritual problems and that quietness around other people indicates a “fearful” spirit.
Now, its possible that in some cases that is true. But its outrageous that people feel so free to throw out such insulting and broad brushed generalizations. In fact, I think that some of this made one of our kids more hesitant to ever participate.
One of our kids, our 13 year old, who is very active and enjoys fun, has asked to please not go to youth Sunday School because at least half of it involves screaming and playing tennis dodge ball. Then, books involving teens and sex are read and discussed . Since he knows very few of his classmates, I think this is horrifying to him.
The fifth grade class is organized and actually studies lessons. Our 4th grader asked if he could be in that class because the 4th grade, too, is chaotic So that is a temporary fix.
Here’s an example of a youth group activity- all pile in a van and yell out random directions- “right!”, “left!”, to the teacher who is driving. This is supposed to teach spontanaeity or something? Anyway, this type of thing is a nightmare for some of our kids.
Strangely enough, I have been drawn lately to check out a Lutheran Church as opposed to the evangelical type we have been in for years. I notice other introverts mention this denomination so that’s encouraging.
It would be cool for these kids to have a blog or some means of letting each other know they are not alone and they don’t have to be like everyone else!
That is terrible! I can’t even imagine. If someone had told me something like that when I was younger, it would have crushed me forever. Ridiculous, ridiculous, ridiculous!
But then, Luther was a monk-theologian-academic, not a revivalist preacher, and yes, Lutheranism as a whole tends to be more comfortable for introverts. BUT there’s a caveat that it still varies a lot from church to church. There are Lutheran megachurches that probably do dumb dodgeball and let’s-try-to-get-in-a-traffic-accident activities and call it youth group, too.
And, more to the point, introverted churches can become too introverted to the point of being insular, making it very uncomfortable and difficult for new people to feel that they belong. While a church’s traditions (a rhythmic liturgy with points of silence, a focus on reading and reflection, a belief in the value of quiet, individual thought vs. an emphasis on rowdy, publicly-displayed emotions) can be introverted, it’s often still the extroverted members of a congregation that make the introvert visitors/new members feel welcome–because they’re the ones who step up and say hi, who introduce themselves and learn your names and make you feel known.
A denomination as a whole can lean toward one end of the intro/extraversion scale or the other and attract predominantly one type of personality, individual congregations need a balance of introverted and extraverted personalities.
Not to mention, to me theology is ultimately more important than atmosphere (though perhaps that’s because as a child I was in an atmosphere that was comfortable for my personality type, which allowed me to focus energy on other questions rather than just surviving). You (and your children) will never feel at home in a church that professes beliefs you don’t hold, no matter how soothing you find the structure or “personality” of the church. So perhaps what you need is an evangelical congregation with a more introvert-friendly personality, rather than an entirely different denomination. Not that I would ever try to stop anyone from becoming Lutheran, because obviously we’re the best.
So that’s my long-winded two cents’ worth. I do find this topic so fascinating!
Oh, and I don’t know of a kid blog for your kids, but depending on their maturity (thirteen is “old” but not necessarily mature, as everyone who was once thirteen knows) you might look with them together at adult blogs dealing with this topic–Adam McHugh’s, of course, but other blogs that talk about theology or personality types or The Church Today, etc. (Like Anne’s!
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Because you’re right. They’re not alone, and they need to know they’re not. Because middle schoolers already feel enough like ugly ducklings without the sort of interactions you describe.
I am looking forward to reading Adam’s book.
I used to go to Missouri-Synod Lutheran church when I was a teenager. I wish back then that I knew what an introvert was because I am defintely an introvert, ISTJ from Myers-Briggs. A friend of mine from school invited me to go to her church because my family stopped going to a Methodist church long before that. I am not sure why we stopped going. What I can remember about the Lutheran church is it was OK at first, but I was pressured into going to the confirmation classes and then being converted. The after confirmation we joined the Youth Group which I thought would be fun. But what I did not know was that I would be obligated to attend virtually every activity, which I found very overwhelming. There were constant conflicts and interrgations if I said that I did not want to attend. The church was even getting my mom to conspire against me. Needless to say, I felt hurt and alienated by that.
Later, I did not attend church that frequently. Every time there was an upcoming activity, someone at the church would always askmy mom instead of me if I was going. Probably because they knew that I would say no! I had the impression that everyone in that church was more concerned about attending church activities than being true to the Faith. Every response I gave was followed by Why? They would always ask why, but they were not really interested in the true answer about how people really felt.
Anytime I went to activities in church or even Sunday school, I always got picked on, even by my friend from school who brought me to the church. Apparrently, she was putting her church ahead of our friendship, when it should have been the other way around. Anytime I would be at my friend’s house, her mom would always bug me about my faith. She would ask me if I still went to church, and I if I said no, she would ask me if I believe in God. When I told her yes, then she would say I should go to church. She would always ask, what’s more important, your job or God, your happiness or God. Where I go to church now, they do not separate God from aspects of people’s lives whether it be work, school, recreation, etc. God is part of everything.
I haven’t read Adam’s book yet, but I do wish that he would have a section on how to properly handle introverted children in the church. I don’t have any kids of my own, but I do remember what it was like for me, it hurts the way I was treated. I do believe that if people in congregations and parishes would attend work studies on intorverts, they would be better informed, and not be constantly mislead by myths. I have learned a lot about what an introvert is, and it fits me perfectly. As far as addressing extroverts (and people who don’t yet kow that they are introverts) what introverts really are, it is very difficult to get people to really listen; it seems to go in one ear and out the other.
Something I would suggest to anyone who is a Youth Coordinator is to listen to the child instead of telling him/her why they need to attend youth activities. Another suggestion would is to let the intorverted child suggest an activity that is more low-key, and with fewer kids in one group. I doubt that the youth groups will fall apart if a few kids do not attend. If the child does bring up something that is a valid complaint or concern such as someone picking on him, or feeling left out constantly, then that needs to addressed to the group immediately. Aren’t christians supposed be stewards to one another? I unfortunately did not feel that it existed in the Lutheran church that I went to.
I could go on about other points. Hopefully am not too long-winded and they I did stay on track. Everyone made some excellent points.